The Day My World Stopped Spinning: #BehindtheBlogger

Today I’m joining a new link up- it’s called Behind the Blogger and it’s purpose is to get to know the bloggers a little better! I found this link up via Farrah @ Fairyburger and thought it would be a nice way to share things about me that my readers don’t know. Mostly on this blog I talk about racing and fitness, so this should be an interesting change. The prompt for this post is “the moment my world stopped spinning,” and while I can think of many times I was blindsided in my life, the one that stands out the most to me is being stabbed in the back by someone I thought was my friend.

Dear Amanda,

I will always remember January 20, 2008. That’s the day I came home to the apartment we shared and your at-the-time boyfriend kicked me out. Giving me two days to leave the apartment I called home, with nowhere to go and no money to get a new place. Before I go into too many details about that day, however, let me give everyone a little background story.

I met you at college Freshmen orientation. We got along immediately- or so I thought. Along with my roommate and current best friend, we formed a small group of Freshmen new to college- a family away from home of sorts. We quickly became close- some of us closer than others. Throughout college, we shared a lot- our hopes, fears, dreams, loves and lost loves. We were there for each other like girlfriends were supposed to be there. What I didn’t realize is that it was all a lie- at least on your part.

I should have known when the guy I was hanging out with over the summer of 2006 told me someone (one of my roommates) had my email password and was breaking into my email and reading everything I sent and received. At first, I assumed it was my suite-mate, because we were currently having issues. When I confronted her and she denied any responsibility, I assumed it was my other roommate, because we were closer and why would you do that to me? I later learned it was you, however. Stupid me- I always wanted to believe the best of people. I’m guilty of giving people second, third and even fourth chances to prove that they aren’t as crappy as they seem.

Senior year started and you moved in with your boyfriend. No one liked him- we all thought he was creepy. But you were known for dating odd guys so we just assumed he was another one of your typical boyfriends. You stopped hanging out with us as much and made excuses for why you wouldn’t hang out, but I defended you when everyone decided they were tired of hearing your bullshit. I always defended you because you were my friend.

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That winter, I gave up my dorm room to move in with you because I wanted to save money- and college dorms are expensive. It wasn’t the best situation to be in, but I trusted you so I never thought you would totally screw me over. We lived together for about a month- not even because I went home for Christmas break for two weeks. Then on January 20, I got the news that I had “48 hours to vacate the premesis,” according to your oh-so-charming boyfriend. You couldn’t even look me in the eye. What happened to our friendship? Why did you hate me so much and why didn’t you say anything to me earlier than this? Was this really what it had come to?

Soon after, I found out that all the rumors that had been coming around our work (we worked together as well) about me had not, in fact, been started by other colleagues, but by you. You, who I had told my deepest, darkest secrets to. I thought you were my friend. Starting rumors about me wasn’t even the worst bit though- after all the damage you caused, you proceeded to make fake MySpace accounts to try and “gain my trust” to get me to tell you more details about my life. You broke into my MySpace account and sent fake messages to fake “guys” (profiles that were really you) and then forwarded everything to my boyfriend in the hopes that he would break up with me. Who the hell does something that insane? Who has time to spend that much time trying to ruin someone else’s life, and what did I ever do to you to make you hate me that much?

Because of you and your boyfriend, I spent a month being “homeless” so to speak- I slept on random friends couches and in hotel rooms when I could afford it; I even slept in my car one night. I never thought that I would find myself in a situation like that. I had always lived in relative privilege my whole life. There was no way I could have prepared myself to deal with a situation like this. Because of you and your boyfriend, I almost gave up on college and went home- because there was no way I could commute almost two hours to school daily and I was running out of places to stay. I was working part-time and not making enough money to continue to support myself on my own.

Thanks to the generosity of a co-worker, I was able to get a leg up and get an apartment in March of 2008. I don’t know what I would have done without that assistance. For the longest time, I was bitter about what you did and had been doing. Being stabbed in the back by someone you thought was a friend is a challenging thing to deal with- and I had thought you were my friend for years, only to find out you had been pretending for at least two years. Who knows, maybe the whole thing was a lie. What I do know is that I loved you like a sister- and I was appalled that someone could be so cruel.

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This letter serves as everything I’ve wanted to say to you over the years. I know what you did- all of it. I just want to know why. I may never find out the answer, and writing this has helped me to let go of a lot of pent up anger I had about the situation, but I will forever have that question in my mind. At first, trying to understand, I read a lot of psychological books, hoping that one would have the answer. While I’ll never know if I’m right, I convinced myself that you were a sociopath- because only someone with no feelings or conscience could ever be so cruel to someone. I actually thought you had at least 10 of the 14 traits needed to be diagnosed with sociopathy.

None of that matters now, though. It took me a long time to trust and open myself up to female friendships again, but I’ve found a group of girls who are accepting and love me for who I am. I make new friends all the time. Because I’m not going to let you take away my sparkle. They say the best revenge is living well- and I’m definitely living well.

I don’t hate you anymore, nor do I wish you ill. I do hope that you got help for your issues because you had a lot of them. I also hope that now you treat the people in your life with love and compassion instead of rejection and inhumanity. I won’t ever be able to trust you again, nor do I wish to hear from you, but I’ve washed my hands of this burden and in writing this I feel free to move on from the pain that you caused.

Goodbye, Amanda.

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Thank you for reading a story from #BehindTheBlogger Hop. Every 2 weeks a group of bloggers is given a writing prompt. These prompts are very open ended, so our bloggers can write about whatever they desire. The main rule is that their blog post directly relates to the topic of that week. The point of this hop is for our readers to get to know us on a personal level.

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14 thoughts on “The Day My World Stopped Spinning: #BehindtheBlogger”

  1. There are so many things I want to say in response to your post but a) the comments probably wouldn’t be appropriate and b) too long, lol.

    Anyways, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Sometimes we hit a wall that knocks us down but in the end we overcome it! I’m so glad we both joined meetup and met on the June day two plus years ago. Your will always be my best running friend and a dear friend in my heart 🙂

    1. It’s enough to know I have friends like you out there who do care! I agree- in retrospect, I’m glad I got away from her because I feel like I’m living a pretty damn good life now, and probably wouldn’t have met you ladies if I didn’t end up with no “friends” in my area. 🙂

    1. I really hope others experiences aren’t like this! I’m still friends with one of my college roommates- I think it can either be a beautiful, life changing friendship, or the darker side. I had both- some people aren’t so lucky and only get one (the worse kind).

  2. (Yay! So glad to have you along on this linkup! I like the open-ended themes a lot! <3)

    I'm so sorry that someone did that to you–that's absolutely appalling, especially for someone who was supposed to be a friend! :[ It's unfortunate (understatement of the year) that people are capable of being so cruel, but I'm really glad that you've been able to move past it and that you didn't let anger or bitterness consume you. Sending you lots of love + hugs! <3
    Farrah recently posted…OMS-IV #BehindTheBloggerMy Profile

    1. The saddest thing for me is that (as of the last time I heard about her) she was still making excuses for her behavior. It’s one thing to make mistakes and to be an asshole to someone, but to not be able to admit your wrong doings…that’s the true shame! Thanks for the support 🙂

  3. Gosh, I’m so sorry you went through that! Losing friendships are always tough, especially when you feel like you put a lot into them. Good for you for standing up for yourself and walking away!

    1. Sometimes you have to make a tough decision in order to protect yourself! I’m glad I did in the end.

  4. Sounds like a movie plot line – unless you’ve known someone like this too. Apparently there is way more crazy out there than one would like to believe! I’m happy to hear you didn’t let it define your future relationships. 🙂

    1. Right?! Oh my gosh, re-reading it I was thinking the same thing. I had no idea I could be sucked into so much drama.

  5. It’s always hard at the moment that you’re going through it, but in the end it’s always good when toxic people are removed out of your life. I’ve been through it with some “friends” too, and am so glad that I learned who they were/are and that I’ve been able to move on and have strong female friendships with others! So glad you shared your story!!
    Kristen recently posted…It’s a Battle…a Fight to the Death!My Profile

    1. Thanks Kristen! It was challenging going through it, but I’m glad for every experience I’ve had in life-it’s made me a stronger person!

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